Thats what i want!!! a person with ambition! a person with goals and isnt afraid to pursue them!!!! thank you god for giving me the message i've been looking for! laziness is the problem but the lack of ambition. she only lives to support living of other people but without them she'd wither and die! i dont want that! yay me for finally getting the hint!

I've come to discover lately the nature of humanity...which is our own self destruction. we fixed everything ...we got back to gether and it seems that we are happy... but i'm not... and i dont know why.... sure the problems are the past are gone, but what has me lingering in depression? is it that i just cant be pleased.? or does she no longer please me the way she used to? have i changed for the worst and become this monster that doesnt know emotion? why do i feel so held back when shes around? how come when shes not around i feel so liberated and do nothing wrong, but around her i feel i cant move without it being the wrong move. i love her alot and i miss her when shes not around , but how come lately ive looked forward to her not being around a tad more? are these the feelings from our break up that never went away? so many questions, and i'm so unsure of whats right and wrong anymore. the lines are starting to blur, and as much as i love her, a future becomes more dim the more i analyze her. am i being too critical? when you get married or think about marriage dont you need to feel fulfilled, mind body and soul?otherwise why get married. Do i not respect her enough to believe that shes smart and can fulfill me intectually? its actually kind of annoyying how right i am most of the time with her. sometimes i think its boosting my ego too much which is bad for me.  am i so discontent with her, that i need her to change?

 

i need some answers...time for some inner refleciton.

I think i've become a homewrecker.... now i'm ruining a friends relationship and i didnt do anything.... sigh.... it sucks.. .as usual... on another note... i'm feeling a little weak today. Missing steph a bit more than i have before. even started getting teary eyed at work again. I do give her credit for starting to grow up.... but i still feel its only for me. maybe its best he tells her... maybe then she'll get over me and really start growing up... i just wanna see that strength i saw in her when we first started dating that attracted me to her so much. and i need to return to my former glory. i used to be impressive and now i'm a shadow of my former self. we both have a lot of changing to do... which changes are good. but after all our changes will i still love her, or will she still love me? probably not.... but that was the risk i took to better both our lives in the future... either with each other... or not... ~Adieu

Since the breakup........i've really been trying to distract myself but when i'm alone it kicks in again.......Cameo.....Mansion........Church........Gunshow.......Madden........Fados...........Red
Bar.........Brickell Irish Pub...........Tobacco road........Finnegans...........Transit Lounge......Lolitas.......and finally Baru (Compliments of Gus for the bar hopping lol) and at Baru we met two beautiful 31 year old twins that we hit it off with and dance with and after a late night snack with them, they said something to me that hit me odd... they told gus and us that they were surprised to find nice guys like us......at 31 their unmarried, beautiful but they have never been able to find someone nice......really? are there that many douchebags out there? will i be like them someday? 31 and forgot that there are nice people out there still? and what if i missed my only nice person.... as the coming weeks approach i'm starting to learn some new things, the last two days i've gained a ton of new experiences i wouldve never had if i was with steph... and it wasnt about being with other girls but being with myself. i think i'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel for me.  i think i'm starting to see what god has in store for me.... i just hope that i dont fuck it up. lol. till my next lesson... ~Adieu

So unfortunately i have some bad news to report......steph and i are no longer together.... jeeze... i can barely say that without getting worked up. It hurts sooooo much and i dont know what to do. sure i was the one that ended it but only to preserve the peace and secure the possibility of a future. the road we were traveling (albeit had good times intertwined) was a mockery of our former glory and some along the line i fucked it up. We started to go down hill after the BC pill fights... then the chris mor drama didnt help (she thought i still liked ely...psssh...) then the 3some obviously didnt help... (i was so stupid, but it was so much fun....i just wanted to feel her into it and unfortunately it took that for me to see it).... then the sandy accusation... then cinco de mayo (i was so terrible that night to her..... i hate myself).. .then the cruise happened.... then the jackie accusations happened then the 3some happened again and then the Sandy accusations happened again... and the key situation then it wrapped up at the mansion fight.....and now here i am. Unsure if this will work but sure its the right thing.we had a good run....shes the love of my life.....i hope god knows what hes doing cause i trust that he led me in this direction for a purpose.... till next time journal when i  break someones heart or my own ~ Adieu

So listening to pandora today , to some of my favorite comedians its making me remember Cmor a bit and as much as I hate him, i cant stand but think bout the good times we once had. Listening to Dave Attell, the Comedian he introduced me too, really brought me back to the times that we would laugh at all his jokes and reference it to almost any conversation. Then it got me missing the old days... when things were simpler... and although my life wasnt the best then, it was probably the best time of my life. when Cmor was floating about from Carlos apartment and then he came and lived with me. Then we were partying every weekend with Asian and David and it was great. We used to go to pool halls and play Magic and Yugioh all the time. Those were the days... when school was so easy that it wasnt a worry.... now look at me... schools a pain in the ass and about to finish it forever in about a month. I think i might miss it a bit... Then i could take off work when ever and id actually have free time and now i dont have anytime cause i'm a real adult and i'm working all the time. Then he was free too, barely any work but we both had enough to go and eat shit.... It scares me to think how in a few years i'll probably missing this moment... how naive i was to see that i was at a good point in my life then and now its all going down hill from here on. Now there isnt a day that i'm not confused whether or not i'm going in the right direction in my life, i'm in debt up to my ears , and i just want to get away.. but then i think about it... why get away and get my own place when i'm barely home anyways... i'm going to be broke and never enjoy my home.... doesnt make alot of sense to me. god i should be working right now and all i can do is linger in the past. I guess this is what happens when you take the good parts in your life for granted. I took my life, my friends, and my family for granted. Now, everything is more distant and i've become the outsider i grew up thinking i was when i really wasnt. i've become the enemy i was afraid people would perceive me as. i've become the person i was afraid to become. And now i'm afraid of this person, i feel like i'm going to hurt people i really care about, but i dont want to.. .but these thoughts aren't mine and i dont know what to do. i feel possessed almost... i need to get a grip, i need to take control and become the person i was. the person who was happy and would go to church and can actually bring happiness to people and not hope that i wont be an ass today. i dont know what to do, god please help me.

So today while working i stumbled onto Cmor's page on FB again cause my cousin is still friends with him, and i saw a pic of them kissing, and they look happy. And then it dawned on me. Why it bothers me to see them together... why i've never wanted to see first hand how my ex's have moved on after me... Cause in the end i feel insignificant to anyones life. I feel like i never made a difference or a bump or even existed i feel like ... it was pointless. i at least wanted to feel like there was a lesson learned but when i see them i dont see the lesson i learned but the lesson learned from me.... that when the b/f isnt good enough, go after his best friend. It drowns anything of me thinking they were the problem is replaced with... maybe i was the problem....and it makes me wonder if i've really progressed in any of my relationships. With Steph now for example, i blame her for alot of problems but seeing this ... i think i'm the one thats flawed... maybe this is my wake up call that i dont deserve to be with anyone till i can fix my problem/flaw. The other day i was reading an article online about being a changer and i was reading it line by line to steph to see if she is a changer... but in the end of the article i realized that the changer in the relationship ... is me. Am i really not content with the way steph is? Had i read the article and seen all those qualities in steph i wouldve followed its advice and walked away but what now.... am i really the manipulator? how come steph is still with me if i'm really the problem.. if i've always been the problem. i'm so confused, i love steph so much that i wouldnt want her with someone thats destructive to her...and i'm afraid that it may be me... what should i do?

Well, its safe to say that...again... nothing comes easily or without incident. So of course my dream of creating the professional chapter for Beta has to meet resistance... but from the wrong side. Instead the student chapter doesn't want it. Or at least an ex- faculty member doesnt want it from them (i think shes just pawning it off of them to not appear like the enemy)............ahh... i give up....... i want to fight for this thing but ... i'm tired of interpretting who the enemy is. Friends betray friends, Enemies seem to be the only loyal ones to their cause. Maybe i'm playing for the wrong side lol. I feel like i'm at a breaking point again. i wish i was a kid again...Maybe I'm Jealous of Steph in that respect lol

its lame to think that even while working and doing well at my new job and making tons of money and keeping busy that my mind would still have time to wonder about Cmor. Maybe its cause of the song that just came on "Mad World" that we watched Donnie Darko together ( that sounded gay) lol  or the fact that i'm getting a gym membership to go with Jesse, when i always imagined it being Cmor. Maybe its because the more i fall in love with the steph the more i know i'll marry her and although Cmor wasnt going to be the best man (reserved for Chris S.j.) but i did plan on him being the godfather of my child someday. i always figured his wise and collective knowledge would be good for my kid someday... but all those thoughts are fading now. You tell me a year ago that i would lose Cmor ( again) i would've called Shenanigans but hey i guess i'm learng that in life you lose those closest to you... one way or another. i just wish it would've been distance or something normal, not the unusual and stupid circumstances that they were.  i figure as the months roll by, i figure these memories will as well. Orlando was fun this weekend at the park, but i cant help think about how it was the last time i went with him. its sad that steph put a picture away in my room, where it was me , brian and Cmor. i hesistated, and realized that that picture, that time, that Paul...is dead. replaced with this stranger that is hardly recognizable anymore to the old Paul he once was. Good or bad? not sure yet.... I never wanted to lose Brian the way i did, he was once a good friend to me, and i dont regret the initial decision to maintain his friendship as it brought me alot of joy with him, the car club and getting over Monica and Ely. He did alot of good in my life.. one way or another. maybe thats the reason that i hate hearing about him from steph or re-living his moments cause... they were his, and i dont want to take that from him... almost like my final gift to him as saying thanks for the old times and the lessons learned. Some times i wish i could know he's recovered from steph and that hes doing well. I wish the same for Cmor too. but we all make our beds huh? i guess its just time to rest and depart to the next stage of life, where hopefully no more regrets lie. ~ Adieu

Man did Britney spears get it right or what? lol so i guess i wont beat around the bush when i say that i finally lived one of my fantasies, and it was pretty fucking cool. so first night i missed out on it because i drank too much and passed out, apparently we were all making out and we were sucking on her boobs together and everything. But i passed out and not to mention i blacked out, i dont remember any of that, so to me it never happened. but the next night we made up for it. Sandra came over to the bed next to us while i was trying to start stuff with Steph and they started going at it. and it was pretty freaking cool. i was concerned that i would get jealous or something or grossed out watching my g/f make out with another girl but in reality it turned me on cause i know my  g/f was just doing it for me. and maybe a little bit because it was fun too. I mean, come on.... who wouldnt wanna play with triple D's lol. so things got hot and heavy but it was always under control... or at least under stephs control. Cause to be honest, i would've been fine just watching them make up and suck on tits but then clothes flew off and before i knew it steph was moving Sandra into a 69 position and i was like Whoa.... it was hot... but at the same time, i kinda felt ignored cause yeah... here they are eating each other out and i'm just sitting her watching for hte most part... i get this from porn i want some action... so what did i do, i tried to eat my g/f out of course but then they'd move around , so then i said fuck it and i just put it in and started going at it to her as she kept munching away. in the end it was hot, i came twice she came once i think, and it was pretty wild. Afterwards, none of us were weird about it, it seemed funny to us. but its been two days after and i kinda feel bad about it. and heres why...

One, Steph got all the attention for the most part, sure i kissed sandra here and there and had some boob action but apart from the kissing it was a normal night out at the strip club.

Two, i was afraid to do anything to anyone cause i didnt wanna ruin it but also i didnt wanna upset steph, but in my hesistation, steph never hesistated once, she acted without thinking if it would bother me. and it didnt completely but i would've liked a bit more attention.

Three, i love steph with all my heart and soul, this is the woman i want to marry and make the mother of my children some day, and i just subjected her to eating vagina. I'm sure she never grew up thinking she would eat a vagina someday but here i am , being selfish in a sense and subjecting my g/f to something like that. And she did it cause she loves me too. but what does that say about me? i mean imagine if it was the flip side, steph would never ask me to suck dick cause she loves me ( and i would never do it even if she did) but here i am asking her to do something she probably never wanted to do. I dunno i just kinda feel like a jerk and when i thought about it yesterday it brought tears to my eyes cause i felt like i was disgracing her.

This whole situation, albeit fun situation, has made me realize just how much i love steph for the reason that i risked losing her when it all started. really i did, think about it... anything could've gone wrong and i would've gotten blamed for it. if sandra had shown any attention to me steph wouldve thought she liked me and couldve gotten super pissed at me for nothing. had i lost control or been more drunk, i may have just wanted sandra to blow me which would have undoubtedly pissed her off. and also not to mention i risk steph actually liking the girl on girl action enough to jeopardize things between us.

To be honest i feel almost split about the situation the more i think about it. It was fun, ... not doubt something that was super hot and heavy and guys would cream themselves to have it... but what if your doing it with the love of your life... is it worth it? i dont know yet. i know that were probably going to do it again with sandra some day... (hopefully not soon) but i'm worried because i'm a guy, me saying that yeah lets do that again is expected but Steph was the one saying it. i'm so torn....

i just dont wanna lose steph...